strange views

heaving virgins with grass stained knees, swearing that no man nor child nor animal could make them open wide. fuck. fuckfuckfuckfuck

i cant write

i cant think

nononononono

i dont know where it comes from, where it goes, who i am, and whats the date? have i asked the time yet? maybe i should do so, is it eastern or rather pacific?

how do i know which ocean to touch just to get the god damn clocks set properly. who decides what letters form numbers?

how do i have so many pointless questions, yet not a single statement to make.

what do i write(type)?

do i speak of my year without words?

it was a year with no depth. simply a year to let my hair grow longer, to tangle more people in it, to forget what it is to know. to just fucking know.

i've been dead, i've been insane, i've been in love.

autumn came fast, and i learned to fall out of love. i learned to run circles around men[never turn my back], to break them and laugh.

i've learned a million different things, fucked a million men, burned a thousand bridges and still, nothing to say.

am i bone dry at 20?

i've been wandering hospitals at night, breathing deep.

i need a disease. fatal. i need a death rattle to wake me up every morning. shake the bed.

piss stained sheets.

keep me up, hold me down, beat me to keep me in my place.

anything, i just need a connection to life.

fuck

oh

i've gone insane again.

how many

no

how long

wait

what was the time again?

78910, i'll break my own fingers so i never have to write again.

pour salt in my eyes and cry like a saint.

i tend to get drunk off holy water and call preists pretending to be less damaged than i am

laughing until i cant stand to pray about it anymore

i pretend to be gay and ask for forgiveness, breath heavy into the reciever and moan

"i am sorry father, its just forgiveness gets me hard"

i used to go to church to have a sip of wine, only a sip turned to a gulp, and i got slapped by a priest.

berry stained lips behind a hymnal, where i'd dream of virgins stomping on grapes, their tender touch in my mouth

i wanted to taste nothing but their chastity.

i couldnt eat

i still wont eat, i just dream of being untouched again

"hello father..when i bite my lips i feel closer to god, if you bite my lips i can be god."

am i worth seeing?

ask for blindness

erase my name

forget my face

what is my connection to life?